November 8, 2008

Two years ago today, Brian asked me to be his wife. Life hasn't been the same since. I can honestly say I love Brian more today than I did when he asked me to marry him. We didn't know what life would bring when we embarked on this journey together, but we did promise to be there for one another. Our lives have changed so much in these last two years. We didn't know that within four months of being married we would be pregnant. Now we are parents and we wouldn't have it any other way. Brian is an amazing father--he is so wonderful with Cameron. I love watching the two together. He talks to Cameron about everything--Cameron already knows all the Duke basketball statistics and stories.

Brian is also an amazing husband. God truly blessed me with my life mate--he was the guy I prayed for all those years. Brian is my best friend, my confidant, and my life. I love being with him and doing things with him. I love that he is the father of my child and our future children. Marriage isn't easy-it's definitely give and take--but I truly love being Brian's wife.

Yes, I will never forget the day Brian asked me to marry him. My life changed that day and has never been the same.

Darius Rucker sings it best in his song "This", "Thank God for all I missed, cause it led me here to this."

Cameron's Birth Story

Where do I begin? Cameron Duff Jones was born on Saturday, July 31, 2010 at 10:37 am. I delivered at New Hanover Regional Medical Center in Wilmington, NC. My pregnancy went really well. I felt good through most of pregnancy except toward the end. I was big and uncomfortable. Sleeping was beginning to be a problem because I made numerous trips to the bathroom during the night and I could only sleep in one comfortable position. As it got closer toward Cameron's birth my patience got shorter. I could not wait to meet our little man.

As some may know, our anniversary was on August 1. Brian and I knew we couldn't make a trip for our anniversary because my due date was August 6. We decided we would celebrate our anniversary by staying in Wilmington on our anniversary weekend. We reserved a room at the Hampton Inn across from the hospital "just in case" I went into labor. We made sure we packed our hospital bag and anything Cameron may have needed. I honestly did not think Cameron would come into the world the day before our first anniversary. Only July 30, I had my 39 week appointment at my doctor in Wilmington. I was already dilated to almost a four when she checked me that Friday. She decided to "strip my membranes"(very very uncomfortable)to see if that would speed things up. She told me that she felt like I would not make it through the weekend and I would go into labor. I was in a bit of denial because I knew that first time pregnancies normally went over the due date. After leaving the appointment, Brian and I went to the mall and walked. We walked that mall up and down. I felt uncomfortable throughout the day, but not enough to say I was in active labor. After a relaxing afternoon and evening, we decided to call it a night. About 1:00 am I started to have major cramping and I thought "could this be it?" I timed how long the cramps lasted and the time in between each cramp. I laid there over an hour before I woke Brian and told him I was having contractions. I had worried I wouldn't know if I were in active labor, but let me tell you there is no mistaking a labor contraction. It literally stopped me in my tracks and all I could say was ouch. About 2:45 am I decided it was time to go to the hospital. Thank goodness it was only across the street from the hotel. When I got to the hospital I was dilated to a six. Brian called my parents and his parents to let them know it was time. The pain was beginning to become unbearable and I knew I had to have an epidural. My epidural worked wonders and I felt little pain. I was still uncomfortable but I was a lot more pleasant.

After laboring actively about nine hours, I pushed for 20 minutes and Cameron Duff Jones was born. The moment was surreal. I can't fully describe it in words, but it was one of the greatest moments of my life. I looked at this little life that I harbored inside of me for nine months. The love I felt for him was immediate. I loved him before his birth but to see him and touch him was amazing.

Cameron will be one month old tomorrow (August 31). What I have learned in the last month I can't fully describe. Brian and I have learned to live on less sleep. The first week Cameron was home was the most challenging. He would sleep during the day and stay awake at night. He has gotten better about sleeping at night which has allowed Brian and I to sleep more. Cameron is our joy. We love him and we love spending time with him. I feel humbled and overwhelmed(at times) to be Cameron's "mommy". It is a great responsibility. We are his caregivers. We are his example. It's not so overwhelming to take care of his physical needs--that's really the easy part. The overwhelming part is to teach Cameron the values we have and hope he makes them his own. I desire to see Cameron love and worship God fully. I want Cameron to take seriously Jesus' command to love God and love others. I know Cameron will make mistakes--we all do. I pray I can show him the grace I have been shown in my life. I pray Cameron knows and feels the love we have for him. I pray for grace and strength as I nurture him and parent him.

This is an amazing journey Brian and I are own--we are learning as we go. It has made me (I can't speak for Brian) to slow down and savor each moment. Cameron's getting older and changing each day. I will never get these moments back and so I cherish each.

Spiritual Formation Retreat

I spent the last few days at Camp Agape located in Fuquay Varina, North Carolina. I, along with 20 other Campbell Divinity classmates participated in a spiritual formation retreat focused on listening. We participated in different sessions in which we listened to ourselves, others, God, and nature. I can put the experience in only one word: AMAZING. All the sessions were wonderful but my favorite and most challenging was the session on listening to ourselves. We each had to share a story that was just about us. The main person of the story was the individual. It couldn't be focused on other individuals. This was challenging because many of my stories were about other people. The story I chose to tell surprised me, but it was one I had to tell. After each person told his/her story to the small group, the group was to reflect what they heard in the story. They couldn't ask questions but only reflect. It was amazing at how reflecting back really opened the story up and made it deeper. Things came from our stories we weren't expecting. It reminded me of CPE, but this was more personal. We were colleagues sharing very personal stories. I really believe it made us closer. We shared laughter and tears and we each saw one another's vulnerabilities.

The weekend continued with other activities including free time. During my free time, three other classmates and I ventured into the woods. It was great to let my guard down and relax. The walk was refreshing and beautiful. We came to a part of the river where it was shallow enough to walk out into the river on the rocks. It was nice. We also had times of worship and reflection throughout the day. It was similar to the eight offices of prayer that is similar to the Benedictine monks. We all took turns preparing meals and serving one another. It was a time of fellowship and reflection. I had the chance to get to know some of my classmates I didn't know. I made new friends and deepened existing friendships. Friday night, after everything was over, we had the chance to play games. It was fun and humbling to play Mexican Train with my friends and professors. We had lots of laughs that night.

I left Saturday with a bit of a heavy heart. It is hard to re-enter the real world after such a great experience. When I got home, I didn't want to turn on the t.v. or even check my email. I enjoyed and needed to do other things that didn't include technology. I was also kind of sad because my time at Campbell Divinity School is almost over. I'm not ready to leave that place. I will truly miss my classmates and professors. I've learned a lot from my time in Divinity School. I'm not sure what the future holds, but I am forever changed by the last three years at Campbell. Overall, I am grateful for this past weekend. I'm grateful for the time spent with people and professors I have come to cherish and respect.

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the gym

It's ironic that I was at the gym, when I saw the story about the Lord's Gym.  It's a gym that caters to Christians.  The yoga class is called "yo-god", and another class called "Chariots of Fire."  This gym also offers a smoothie called "Flowing with Milk and Honey."  A dress code is enforced at Lord's Gym--women are not allowed to wear spaghetti straps and shorts must cover their bottoms.  How interesting that those rules single out women but that is a whole other issue.  To help fitness members get motivated they can listen to Christian Rock music while working out.  

I'm not sure how I feel about a gym that caters to only Christians.  I'm not sure why Christians have to separate themselves from the world.  Yes, I know we are to live in the world and not of it, but I'm not sure if Christ wants us to completely separate ourselves.  The Christian market offers music, books, movies,accessories, and now even a gym that caters to Christians.   I thought Christ wanted to minister and reach out to those around us.  How can we have conversations or relationships with non-Christians if we separate ourselves.  The gym I am member of is wonderful.  I enjoy going because I enjoy working out.  I have a many opportunities to build relationships with people I see--I see some of the same people every time I go.  Fitness Fusion is no Lord's Gym.  It is open to Christians and Non-Christians alike.  I like it that way because I can meet many interesting people.  I'm also glad Fitness Fusion doesn't blast Christian music through it's speaker.  I work out a lot better when I'm listening to Red Hot Chile Peppers than the Newsboys.  I don't know about the Lord's Gym--it's not all that appealing to me...

sleep

I'm sitting in Courthouse Coffee watching cars go by and wishing I could lay down on one of these plush couches.  Unfortuantley, doing so would be very inappropriate.  My need for sleep has led me to think about one of the best nights of sleep I ever had.  For the most part my sleep does cause me to feel rested upon waking.  However, I have not had a night of sleep like that of four years ago.  

During the Summer of 2004 I was serving as a counselor at Camp Mundo Vista and it was my second summer on staff.  The first week at camp consisted of training and preparing for campers.  Many late nights were put into decorating the cabin and getting to know fellow staffers.  The second week at camp for staffers was the first week of campers.  Looking back, it was around this time of the month.  I remember the first week of camp being full of joy and anticipation.  As a veteran counselor, I thought I had most situations under control.  I knew how most 9-12 year old girls would react to being away from home.  I could handle "IT", "Happy's", and anything else the week through at me.  The first week of camp, for me, was good training in itself.  As a staff we were able to work out the kinks in order for the rest of the summer to flow well.  Light's out were at 10:00 PM for the campers, but it was always an hour or so later that they actually went to sleep.  The wake-up time for the girls was about 7:00 AM--of course, it took them a while to actually make it out of the bed.  I would wake up 45 minutes earlier to take a shower and get ready.  There was no way I could get ready when the girls woke up.  A day at camp is action filled and the only time I was away from the girls was about an hour and a half when I had a break.  There wasn't much napping during the day, but there was always a lot of action.  When the girls left on Friday of the first week, I was tired but I kept pushing myself.  We had to clean camp before any of us could leave.  That Friday evening, some of us staffers left camp for a few hours.  It was so nice to get away and actually see other living breathing adults.  I slept well that Friday night.  That Saturday, I washed clothes and hung out most of the day.  What I remember most, was that evening.  By 8:00 PM the week had finally caught up with me--I was extremely exhausted.  I remember making a phone call and at 8:30 I could no longer open my eyes.  My roommate had went home for the weekend and the cabin was empty.  I turned on the AC and my fan.  I turned out the lights, and pulled the covers over my head.  I was out in no time.  I honestly did not move until about 8:30 the next morning.  I woke up feeling refreshed.    It was truly the best night of sleep I ever had.  How I wish I could sleep like that again.  I miss camp, and I miss that night of sleep.  When I think about that wonderful night of sleep, I smile--it was special.  I hope to experience another night of sleep like that, but it will never be as special as that night...I think it's because I was at camp.

the church

When I lay down to sleep is when random thoughts pop in my head.  The reason for this, I'm guessing, is that I actually have time to think about other things besides work.  A few nights ago a thought popped in my head about the Church.  Some of my greatest joys but greatest disappointments have come from the Church.  The church is where I have been nurtured in the faith for many years.  It has provided me great examples of what a Disciple of Christ is to be.  I have formed many great and lasting relationships through the Church.

On the other side, the Church has afforded me many disappointments.  Throughout my life I have seen many people hurt by those claiming to be Christians.  In my home church, I saw how selfishness and backstabbing divided the Body of Believers.  Those that made up this body were divided on how the church should have been operated.  It seemed that everyone wanted what they wanted but no one was willing to sacrifice or compromise.  

In the church were I last served as youth minister, I experienced how people were willing to do anything to implement their own agenda.  One particular example was how the SS director wanted to replace one youth SS teacher with a "better" one.  This included polling the youth to see who they wanted for a teacher.  The intention was to get rid of the current SS teacher because the youth did not care for her as a teacher.  Instead of being honest with this teacher, the SS director did not tell her or her two teenage daughters about the polling process.  These three people were left hurt.  Fortunately , they did not leave the church.  I was dissapointed at how Christians could be so underhanded and sneaky.  

The church where I currently serve has its own set of issues.  It is deeply divided and the sting of conflict is felt by the majority of the Body.  Many people have been deeply wounded by these last series of events of this church.  Once again, I am throughly disappointed by those claiming to be Christians. 

Sneakiness, lying, backstabbing, fighting, gossiping, and just plain meanness should not be found in the church.  These are found in the world, but there is no excuse for these to be found in the church.  I know the church is made up of imperfect people and conflict will happen.  However, in my 24 years, I have seen many people broken hearted and disgusted because they have been hurt in churches.  It saddens me that this has happened over the years.  I know that not every church is like what I have described above, but many churches are.

I am disappointed because I know that we, as Christians, can be better.  We don't have to be sneaky or underhanded.  We can handle situations differently.  Some days, I wonder why I was called to serve in the church--I wonder if I have completely lost my mind...

I have met some wonderful people in the churches I have described.  They have been such an encouragement to me...They give me hope that the Church can be different.  Maybe one day the disappointments will cease to exists.