smells...

I often associate smells with places, people, or things whom have impacted my life. When I smell exhaust from a truck I am reminded of Trinidad. The summer of my senior year of high school I went on a mission immersion experience to the country of Trinidad. This trip had a profound impact on my life. It got me thinking about certain aspects of my faith.

When I catch a scent of chewing tobacco I am reminded of my grandfather. He chewed tobacco my entire life. When I smell it I smile because I have fond memories of my late grandfather.

When I smell manure of hog farm on a sultry humid day I am reminded of Wallace. Wallace is the town where I grew up. It is in Duplin County which is one of the largest livestock operations in the country. Smell the money. Wallace, population 3,364, is my home.

As I walking into my kitchen moments ago, I caught a faint smell of perfume. I immediately smiled because it reminded so much of my best friend. She wears different kinds of fragances. I don't get to see as much as I would like, but tonight I felt closer to her.

We often take the sense of smell for granted. I am grateful for being able to smell. It reminds of what I need to be reminded of....

Yesterday I visited Mrs. Katherine and Mr. Clarence. They are members at Burgaw Baptist where I work. Mrs. Katherine is hooked up to a feeding tube because she can't swallow. She can't swallow because of the chemotherapy and radiation she took for esophageal cancer. When I leave from my visits with them I'm always in better spirits. They are pillars of strength. I complain too much about silly things. Mrs. Katherine has had this feeding tube for months but she never complains. She always says, "I'm going to get better." She never complains about her situation because she knows it could be worse. Mr. Clarence never complains about taking care of her. He's done majority of the domestic duties during the duration of her illness. He said when he took his vows on his wedding day he meant them...in sickness or in health...

They have an amazing testimony. I've only known them for a few months, but I thank God for them. They've taught me to keep going even when life is tough.


For as long as we both shall live....

It has been a frustrating week. What else can I say? Trying to juggle both school work and church work is challenging to say the least. If I show school work more attention my church work is affected negatively and vice versa. I knew from the beginning what to expect with my school work. My assignments were spelled out the first day of the semester. I don't have too many surprises at school. Working in a church is a altogether a different story. I do what is in my job description, but there are always surprises. In recent weeks I have been handed extra work at church. I wonder if people actually know I am in graduate school. School, in it itself, is a full time job. Yesterday, I was at my breaking point. I could have walked out of the office and never looked back. Looking back, that is a decision I would regret. In reality I love where I work. Everyone treats me well and most are very supporting.

Where am I going with this?

I don't know. I'm not nearly experiencing the stress today as I have earlier this week. Last night, I needed a reality check. I was feeling sorry for myself. What good was that going to do? I've been teaching my youth that they are all wonderful creations made by an amazing creator. Funny I teach this because I don't always believe it. In fact, I sometimes question my belief in God. Yes, that is what I said. It's hard for me to believe when I see suffering and pain. One day in July, I stopped believing. I watched my grandfather suffer from one of the most aggressive and painful cancers around. The last two weeks of his life he couldn't keep food or liquids down. His body was engulfed with the worst pain imaginable. I heard him say, "I want to live, I want to live." He prayed and prayed he would get better. Yet, he died. He was one of the most honorable and bravest men I've ever met who I miss terribly. The day he died was the day I stopped believing...for a while.

I still struggle with unbelief, but at the end of the day I know God exists. During the moments of my unbelief, I hear a still small voice that says, "April, just trust me." I know where this voice comes from. When my unbelief is at its highest is when I experience God the most. This has come in a sunset, the laugh of children, a beautiful fall day, and many other times. He comes when I least expect it. God speaks to me through others around me. Little Hayes jumps in my lap, puts his arms around my neck, and his head on my shoulder. I squeeze him tight and say, "Hayes, I love you so much." I know the love I have for Hayes is not something I've created on my own. It comes from my magnificent creator. My Abba, My Friend. My unbelief is shattered and I have faith like a child....