Thursday, October 4, 2007

It has been a frustrating week. What else can I say? Trying to juggle both school work and church work is challenging to say the least. If I show school work more attention my church work is affected negatively and vice versa. I knew from the beginning what to expect with my school work. My assignments were spelled out the first day of the semester. I don't have too many surprises at school. Working in a church is a altogether a different story. I do what is in my job description, but there are always surprises. In recent weeks I have been handed extra work at church. I wonder if people actually know I am in graduate school. School, in it itself, is a full time job. Yesterday, I was at my breaking point. I could have walked out of the office and never looked back. Looking back, that is a decision I would regret. In reality I love where I work. Everyone treats me well and most are very supporting.

Where am I going with this?

I don't know. I'm not nearly experiencing the stress today as I have earlier this week. Last night, I needed a reality check. I was feeling sorry for myself. What good was that going to do? I've been teaching my youth that they are all wonderful creations made by an amazing creator. Funny I teach this because I don't always believe it. In fact, I sometimes question my belief in God. Yes, that is what I said. It's hard for me to believe when I see suffering and pain. One day in July, I stopped believing. I watched my grandfather suffer from one of the most aggressive and painful cancers around. The last two weeks of his life he couldn't keep food or liquids down. His body was engulfed with the worst pain imaginable. I heard him say, "I want to live, I want to live." He prayed and prayed he would get better. Yet, he died. He was one of the most honorable and bravest men I've ever met who I miss terribly. The day he died was the day I stopped believing...for a while.

I still struggle with unbelief, but at the end of the day I know God exists. During the moments of my unbelief, I hear a still small voice that says, "April, just trust me." I know where this voice comes from. When my unbelief is at its highest is when I experience God the most. This has come in a sunset, the laugh of children, a beautiful fall day, and many other times. He comes when I least expect it. God speaks to me through others around me. Little Hayes jumps in my lap, puts his arms around my neck, and his head on my shoulder. I squeeze him tight and say, "Hayes, I love you so much." I know the love I have for Hayes is not something I've created on my own. It comes from my magnificent creator. My Abba, My Friend. My unbelief is shattered and I have faith like a child....

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

that's awesome how you share different ways God speaks to you. it's important for people to know God speaks to us through experiences, other people, the Bible, and the list goes on. I think a lot of people (myself included) don't understand how to hear from God because we have lost part of the sense of faith like a child. A child uses all senses- sight, sound, touch, etc. I think God also uses those senses to speak to us.