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the gym

It's ironic that I was at the gym, when I saw the story about the Lord's Gym.  It's a gym that caters to Christians.  The yoga class is called "yo-god", and another class called "Chariots of Fire."  This gym also offers a smoothie called "Flowing with Milk and Honey."  A dress code is enforced at Lord's Gym--women are not allowed to wear spaghetti straps and shorts must cover their bottoms.  How interesting that those rules single out women but that is a whole other issue.  To help fitness members get motivated they can listen to Christian Rock music while working out.  

I'm not sure how I feel about a gym that caters to only Christians.  I'm not sure why Christians have to separate themselves from the world.  Yes, I know we are to live in the world and not of it, but I'm not sure if Christ wants us to completely separate ourselves.  The Christian market offers music, books, movies,accessories, and now even a gym that caters to Christians.   I thought Christ wanted to minister and reach out to those around us.  How can we have conversations or relationships with non-Christians if we separate ourselves.  The gym I am member of is wonderful.  I enjoy going because I enjoy working out.  I have a many opportunities to build relationships with people I see--I see some of the same people every time I go.  Fitness Fusion is no Lord's Gym.  It is open to Christians and Non-Christians alike.  I like it that way because I can meet many interesting people.  I'm also glad Fitness Fusion doesn't blast Christian music through it's speaker.  I work out a lot better when I'm listening to Red Hot Chile Peppers than the Newsboys.  I don't know about the Lord's Gym--it's not all that appealing to me...

sleep

I'm sitting in Courthouse Coffee watching cars go by and wishing I could lay down on one of these plush couches.  Unfortuantley, doing so would be very inappropriate.  My need for sleep has led me to think about one of the best nights of sleep I ever had.  For the most part my sleep does cause me to feel rested upon waking.  However, I have not had a night of sleep like that of four years ago.  

During the Summer of 2004 I was serving as a counselor at Camp Mundo Vista and it was my second summer on staff.  The first week at camp consisted of training and preparing for campers.  Many late nights were put into decorating the cabin and getting to know fellow staffers.  The second week at camp for staffers was the first week of campers.  Looking back, it was around this time of the month.  I remember the first week of camp being full of joy and anticipation.  As a veteran counselor, I thought I had most situations under control.  I knew how most 9-12 year old girls would react to being away from home.  I could handle "IT", "Happy's", and anything else the week through at me.  The first week of camp, for me, was good training in itself.  As a staff we were able to work out the kinks in order for the rest of the summer to flow well.  Light's out were at 10:00 PM for the campers, but it was always an hour or so later that they actually went to sleep.  The wake-up time for the girls was about 7:00 AM--of course, it took them a while to actually make it out of the bed.  I would wake up 45 minutes earlier to take a shower and get ready.  There was no way I could get ready when the girls woke up.  A day at camp is action filled and the only time I was away from the girls was about an hour and a half when I had a break.  There wasn't much napping during the day, but there was always a lot of action.  When the girls left on Friday of the first week, I was tired but I kept pushing myself.  We had to clean camp before any of us could leave.  That Friday evening, some of us staffers left camp for a few hours.  It was so nice to get away and actually see other living breathing adults.  I slept well that Friday night.  That Saturday, I washed clothes and hung out most of the day.  What I remember most, was that evening.  By 8:00 PM the week had finally caught up with me--I was extremely exhausted.  I remember making a phone call and at 8:30 I could no longer open my eyes.  My roommate had went home for the weekend and the cabin was empty.  I turned on the AC and my fan.  I turned out the lights, and pulled the covers over my head.  I was out in no time.  I honestly did not move until about 8:30 the next morning.  I woke up feeling refreshed.    It was truly the best night of sleep I ever had.  How I wish I could sleep like that again.  I miss camp, and I miss that night of sleep.  When I think about that wonderful night of sleep, I smile--it was special.  I hope to experience another night of sleep like that, but it will never be as special as that night...I think it's because I was at camp.

the church

When I lay down to sleep is when random thoughts pop in my head.  The reason for this, I'm guessing, is that I actually have time to think about other things besides work.  A few nights ago a thought popped in my head about the Church.  Some of my greatest joys but greatest disappointments have come from the Church.  The church is where I have been nurtured in the faith for many years.  It has provided me great examples of what a Disciple of Christ is to be.  I have formed many great and lasting relationships through the Church.

On the other side, the Church has afforded me many disappointments.  Throughout my life I have seen many people hurt by those claiming to be Christians.  In my home church, I saw how selfishness and backstabbing divided the Body of Believers.  Those that made up this body were divided on how the church should have been operated.  It seemed that everyone wanted what they wanted but no one was willing to sacrifice or compromise.  

In the church were I last served as youth minister, I experienced how people were willing to do anything to implement their own agenda.  One particular example was how the SS director wanted to replace one youth SS teacher with a "better" one.  This included polling the youth to see who they wanted for a teacher.  The intention was to get rid of the current SS teacher because the youth did not care for her as a teacher.  Instead of being honest with this teacher, the SS director did not tell her or her two teenage daughters about the polling process.  These three people were left hurt.  Fortunately , they did not leave the church.  I was dissapointed at how Christians could be so underhanded and sneaky.  

The church where I currently serve has its own set of issues.  It is deeply divided and the sting of conflict is felt by the majority of the Body.  Many people have been deeply wounded by these last series of events of this church.  Once again, I am throughly disappointed by those claiming to be Christians. 

Sneakiness, lying, backstabbing, fighting, gossiping, and just plain meanness should not be found in the church.  These are found in the world, but there is no excuse for these to be found in the church.  I know the church is made up of imperfect people and conflict will happen.  However, in my 24 years, I have seen many people broken hearted and disgusted because they have been hurt in churches.  It saddens me that this has happened over the years.  I know that not every church is like what I have described above, but many churches are.

I am disappointed because I know that we, as Christians, can be better.  We don't have to be sneaky or underhanded.  We can handle situations differently.  Some days, I wonder why I was called to serve in the church--I wonder if I have completely lost my mind...

I have met some wonderful people in the churches I have described.  They have been such an encouragement to me...They give me hope that the Church can be different.  Maybe one day the disappointments will cease to exists.  

the coffee shop

I'm sitting in Courthouse Coffee sipping on a Mocha and writing this blog.  I've been in Burgaw all day.  I'm going to an associational WMU meeting tonight and there is no sense in driving back forth from Wallace to Burgaw.  I've already worked out and believe me I could fall asleep on this comfortable couch.  I enjoy this little town.  It's a quaint town that sort of reminds me of Star's Hollow on Gilmore Girls but not as weird.  It's the kind of town I've always wanted to live in because it's small enough to be away from the busyness from the city but close enough to the city where you don't feel like you completely live in the middle of nowhere.  Don't get me wrong, Wallace is a great place to live but I would like it much better if they weren't building a new McDonald's and if they had a coffee shop such as this.  

For now, I'm going to sit on this nice couch and rest for a few minutes and observe people as they walk by.  If I had the patience enough to write a novel, I would write one that included a town such as Burgaw.  A quaint town nestled in the heart of Eastern North Carolina with Spanish Moss hanging off the mighty oak tree's and not too far from the banks of the Cape Fear River--yes it is the perfect place to write a romance novel.  Nicholas Sparks should include this town in one of his novels  Maybe if I suggest it, he will write about it...who knows...

Yesterday, I wanted to make it to Burgaw a little early so that I could get a cup of coffee after leaving the post office.  I left home a few minutes early in order to get a delicious cup of joe from Court House Coffee.  I was headed to work on HWY 117 when I see that traffic in my lane is at a stand still.  There is a huge sign on a DOT truck that says, "Right Lane Closed", and I'm thinking, "You think?!"  Apparently road crews were placing new reflectors down the middle of the highway...every so often they would go and then stop which made me drive a few feet and then stop.  Needless, to say I was frustrated because I was driving on a two lane road and could not pass.  I was thinking to myself that I could not drive the next ten miles to Burgaw going only five miles and hour--it would take me two hours to get there.  I wanted to let the DOT crew in front of me have it!  Then I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all the cars lined up behind me--those people probably were letting these men have it too.  The DOT crew was only doing their job and my frustration wasn't going to make them do it any faster.  Luckily, the cars in my lane got to a point where we could pass.  I made it to Burgaw in enough time to get that cup of coffee.

Life is like that sometimes.  We may be headed down the right road and completely prepared to make it through the day, but sometimes we face road blocks or DOT crews.  When we face these road blocks in life we get frustrated, angry, upset, and doubtful.  All we see is the "Right Lane Closed" sign in front of us.  We think we will be on the road forever, but when we least expect it we enter a place when we can make it around the road block.  I have had a few of these road blocks along the way and I felt like I would never get past them.  Looking back I see that I was not alone in my struggle--although, I was doubtful my Creator was with me.  I believe our Creator is with all of us through the journey.  The next time you get behind a DOT crew remember it will only be for a short while..you are not alone.

solitude?

Silence.  That is what I'm experiencing at this very moment.  The only thing I hear is the ping of the computer keys as I type.  The church office has been particularly quiet this morning.  The only phone calls I received were from telemarketers.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy have silent moments because I get caught up with work and I can enjoy a few moments of reading.  A part from those advantages the silence is a little too much.  I would enjoy a few moments of conversation with another human being.  Humans are made for relationships.  We can't exist individually.  Although I am introverted I do need relationships and people in my life.  Sometimes it's hard to form those relationships.  Maybe the silence is getting to me or maybe it's making me think--I'm not sure which.  We can't live this life alone.  Jesus didn't call one disiciple he called twelve.  Jesus knew that community was important.  Those men were there to encourage one another--they were a community, a family of sorts.  I'm sure silence was important to them, but they also knew that community was important as well.

We need one another--maybe this is what the silence is teaching me....

reflections

I can't believe the semester is finally over.  I'm excited for a break from school, but I wonder what I'll do with the extra time.  I'm scared I'll waste it or fill it by working harder.  I should take a little bit of the extra time I have and just relax.  I haven't had much time to do that this semester-RELAX.  I admit it has been really crazy.  So much has happened since January that I can't even put into words.  I apologize if I have been somewhat distant--I'm learning not to internalize so much ;).  I've managed to get through some difficult times with most of my sanity in tact.  I thank you for your prayers and understanding.  I could not have gotten through these times without the strength of the Lord and without my friends. Things happen in life that we can't explain.  We don't know what these experiences mean.  It may take years to look back and see how the pieces fit together.  

I hope I can take some time this Summer to reflect back on the past few months.  I also hope to make several beach trips--if you want to go to the beach just give me a call-it's not fun to sun all by myself :)

war was a game we played when we were kids...

I haven't had much time for blogging in the past few weeks.  I should be working on other work, as I type this blog, but my mind is filled with other thoughts.

As I opened my eyes last Monday morning, I thought for sure that it would be another "normal" Monday.  I was mistaken.  When I went into the living room, my mother told me the tragic news.  She said, "About 11:00 last night the police department called and said that Emanuel was killed."  I replied, "In Iraq?" She said, "Yes April, he was killed in Iraq."  You see, Emanuel was a on his second tour of duty in Iraq.  He was a Staff Sergeant with the National Guard and was a military policeman.  He was from my home town.  I didn't know him well, but my father knew him.  Emanuel was a police officer for the town of Wallace.  He worked part time for Billy's Pork and Beef which is only a block from my home.  He was a good guy who not only served his country, but his community.  He knew the risk involved with being a solider.  Still, that does not eliminate the tragedy of his death.  His death has made this war a very personal thing for me and for so many others.  On the nightly news, the anchor will usually say how many American soldiers were killed that day in Iraq.  When I listened to the news last Monday night, I could put a face and name with one of those numbers.

I wish the fighting could stop.  Too many young men and women have lost their lives fighting.  I don't think you can make peace with guns or bombs.  When I was younger, I would play these war games with my cousins.  I wish that the only war we played was a game, but it is not.  It's unfortunate that we as people can't get along.  I wish there were some other way to negotiate.  I learned early in my life that conflicts cannot be resolved by blowing things up.  

This is not a blog to debate the war in Iraq.  We are fighting the war, and I can't change that.  I just wish there were some other way to deal with the conflict.  Men like Emanuel, should be able to come back home alive and not in a casket.  

Life is short.  It's too short to argue about things we can't change.  It's too short to hold grudges.  Life is too short to be nit picky over silly things.  It's a new day...rejoice in that.  I know if Emanuel were alive he would say it.  Each day is a gift--what are you going to do with it...

You've Got Mail...

I thought chapel was very good today.  Lynn spoke on letting the people you care about know that you care about them.  I left chapel with tears in my eyes.

About 11:45 today my mother left me a voice mail.  When I heard her voice I knew something was wrong.  As I listened I realized why she was so upset.  A lady from my home church was killed in a car accident this morning.  She was about my parent's age and she has a son a little older than me.  Her and her husband were good friends to my parents.  I knew her well because I grew up in the church.  I guess what I'm feeling is shock and hurt.  I'm not sure I have the words to describe how I feel.  I guess I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown because life has been so stressful in the last month.  Right now, nothing else matters to me.  Papers don't matter, tests don't matter, and even reading doesn't matter.  Life matters.  Why does it take a tragedy for us to realize the preciousness of every breath we breath.

 

I don't understand why we have to travel roads such as these.  I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I know all of these I have experienced in the past month is not about me--but what is it about and why....

  

Baby

I was holding my seventh month old cousin, Brodie a few moments ago when it hit me...Brodie looks a lot like Baby off the TV show Dinosaurs.  Brodie is not as chubby as Baby, but their eyes do favor...

My cousin is way cuter :)

Love

Sometimes I don't know what to write.  I feel my thoughts are not as deep as many of my colleagues.  On the other hand, it is possible that I am not intentional in my thoughts.  I often write the first thing that comes to mind.  

The thing I am thinking about at the moment is Wal-Mart.  Construction will soon begin on a new Super Wal-Mart that will be located across from my home.  I cringe when I think about this.  In the past, I've been a fan of these stores.  Where else can you get groceries, underwear, DVDs, and your tires changed all at the same time.  These stores allow the consumer to shop at very low prices.  What about the little man?  How will this store affect the downtown merchants in Wallace?  Will people even need to go downtown when they can get everything from Super Wal-Mart?  Will people lose their jobs?  How will this construction affect the environmental stability in the area?  Will little creatures be displaced and will these little animals(such as field mice) try to share my home?  Will traffic flow increase(duh!)?  

Yes, this store will provide many jobs(at minimum wage and little benefits), and the opportunity for more retail chains and restaurants to move into the area.  

What saddens me the most is that our society is so consumer driven.  Why can't we be content with what we have?  Why is it so important for people to have more stuff that they can't take with them when they go?  It's sad that the gap is widening between the rich and poor.  It's equally sad that many people can't afford health care who desperately need it.  When I was younger it was unusual to see homeless people in small towns, but now I see them all the time.  I ask myself what can be done.  I don't know.  I wish I had the answers and I wish I could fix it.  Will I choose to take the rope and try to make a difference or will I make it someone else's responsibility.  

A friend of mine decided he would go sky-diving on his 21st birthday.  He made his reservation and paid his money.  When his birthday came, he boarded the plane to make the amazing jump.  However, he did not make the jump that day or any day thereafter.  When it came time to jump fear overtook him.  I suppose he decided that it was not cool to have nothing between his body and the earth. The odds that the parachute would work was in his favor.  However, it was the small chance that the parachute would not open kept my friend on the plane.  Needless to say, my friend was paralyzed by fear.  

Fear is a four letter word that at some point has paralyzed all of us.  I will be the first to admit that fear has kept me from doing extraordinary things.  

I jokingly asked a friend of mine if she thought I was a reserved person.  I knew the answer to the question before I even asked.  Yes, I am a very reserved person.  My fear of failure has kept me from trying new things.  It has kept me from creativity I know I have.  Fear has kept me from standing up for what I believe in or addressing conflict I know needs addressing.  In some ways, fear has even hindered my ministry.  I'm so afraid of screwing up that I don't even try.  In my fear I have failed because I HAVE NOT tried.  

I know I am not alone in my fear.  I know that most people would say that one point or another they have been paralyzed by fear.  I want to live a life with few regrets as possible.  I don't want to regret the things I haven't done, the chances I haven't took, and the relationships I didn't make.

Jesus did not let fear stop him in his ministry.  Jesus went against the grain of him time.  I have the choice of how fear affects me--I can choose to let life go on around me or I can choose life.

Yes, I know I haven't written a blog in over a month. The past four weeks have been extremely busy. I guess that is what I get for working, going to school, and trying to have social life. I will definitely write when I find the time. I was thinking how cool it would be to take a trip to the Islands...I can feel the warm tropical air on my palely white skin...